My Chaotic World of Songwriting

*This is an old blog from 2018.

“Every show must end, and every heart must mend”... Early one morning, as the stars slowly vanished, and the moon lay to rest, I looked out the window and pondered songwriting. The wind was blowing against the trees, the rain was falling gently, and the sun was yet to light the dark. My mind felt clouded so I decided to ponder how I wrote songs instead of trying to write one. I came to the conclusion that all of my songs whether directly or indirectly, come about from the chaos that clouded my mind when I lost my father. It was my biggest weakness, and because of songwriting it has now become my greatest strength. My father wasn’t an old man, nor was he weak, he was just the best, and losing that guidance, that love, and that warmth took a long time to get used to.

The years following his passing, I thought I was okay, but it took to actually getting happy and content to realise I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy about the road I had directed myself onto, the state of my health both inside and out wasn’t what I wanted, I didn't enjoy the people I had surrounded myself by, and I couldn't understand why people got upset over things that seemed so little to me, and the only word I look back at to describe my late teens to mid-twenties is ‘chaos’. That word has shadowed my doorstep through some key years of my life, and the imagery it creates flies into my songs every single time I sit to write a new one. Whether it’s a happy song, a gloomy song, a nostalgic song, a love song, or even a hateful song, the underlying message I unintentionally create each time is ‘chaos’.

As a quiet and extremely reserved person I often get surprised at the reactions to some of my lyrics. One evening I debuted a new, unrecorded song at a local Yorkshire pub, I saved the newest song until the very end, I looked around the room and saw people of all ages looking on as I announced the final song to be, ‘A Show on the Edge’. I adjusted my guitar, stepped closer to the mic, and sung the words: “They’re selling tickets for their hanging” before playing my rustic, brass strings for the rest of the song. That intro was a line I’d never thought about when I wrote it, other than it being an ode to Bob Dylan’s Desolation Row, I finished the song not budging a smile, I bowed down and said ‘Thank you’, before walking off the stage looking to the floor. A few moments later an ale'd filled man in his 50’s came up to me slightly stumbling through his words, before saying that was: “The most chaotic and delightfully dark set I’ve ever heard”, and focusing on the intro line to ‘A Show on the Edge’. He asked where, and why I wrote those songs, for which I had no answer, I didn’t even realise my songs were dark or chaotic at this point, but the more I hear it, the more I see it. In my head I wanted to reply to the ale'd up folk fan, saying I'd like to think that through all the darkness, all the rain, and all the storms there is some light that will shine through in my songs, for all the hate, there is love, for all the judgement, there’s empathy, but like most things I'd rather write it than tell it. I’ve often felt misunderstood, I’ve often felt sometimes we lose our way, but I’ve always turned it around, I’ve always been able to find the best out of all situations, I take them and learn, I get more determined and now more than I ever I’ve found my path, and throughout all my songs, there is a path and a light.

This portrayal of light is key to songwriting for me, without the hope shining through I simply wouldn’t play music. The story of ‘Sing Your Blues’ is an incredibly lost boy looking for direction, and at the end of the song, he acknowledges: “The rain has turned on me”, before finishing on defiance and inner peace about letting: “The music take you away”. ‘The Carnival is Ours’ is a love song about two people going through difficult times before realising the: “Fire still burns”. ‘Gloomy Street’ mirrors a world of escaping a place that may be perfect for some, but doesn’t make you happy, and even ‘The Ringmaster’, possibly my saddest song comes to terms with realisation and escapism, the Ringmaster is a hateful person, who can put on the best shows, someone who smiles even though they hate, someone who spreads niceness at the expense of someone close to them, the ending is a damning finish, but it’s escaping that madness that makes you happy.

My style may not be for everyone, I don’t have an interest in music that appeals to masses (the aim of my songs are to make them sound as old fashioned as possible). I know I can be very stubborn with music, and that’s because my songs are very personal to me, and I can’t or wouldn't write any other way. But what works for me, may not work for everyone, the only advice I ever give to people who ask, is write about what you know, but be creative, take risks, and if you’re quiet like me, use it as a platform to be honest, use it as an expression of love, hate, grief, and pain, as it’s important to sometimes unleash those feelings.

I finish now talking about a slow burning song called ‘Keep Flying with the Music’. My most literal song, and the only song where the imagery I create is a setting I know so well, there's not a carnival or clown in sight. It’s about a boy who has lost his father, he sits in the garden as a robin flies by and ponders about the years that have passed. A song I didn’t think much of when I wrote it, I’ve still to this day never played it live, and I never plan to. The guitar playing is similar to Donovan’s ‘Catch the Wind’, and the words are very literal other the personification of the weather. It whispered in at the end of my debut album, and now it has become a short play that will be showcased at the Amplified Theatre in London in April. Originally not being a song I enjoyed, I’m now delighted at the feedback it is receiving, and more than ever it’s surrounded by chaos with a light at the end of it: “Shine the brightest, like the Summer sun, keep flying with your music son”. A message I will keep within and turn to whenever I feel lost and defeated.

Chaos is all around, you just need to find something that controls it, mine was the chaotic world of songwriting, I’d love to know yours...

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Later that morning as the stars went away, and the moon had fallen asleep, I looked out of the window and saw the wind was still blowing against the trees, the rain still lay to rest gently, and the sun was failing to shine through, and just like that, my writers block disappeared.

A Weary Tale of Wind, Dark and Rain

Oh, weary song, where you from, the storm inside?

When, these rustry strings, start to ring, I'll go outside.

And the broken tale off loving you, it comes and goes like the wind.

Oh, weak voice, what's the choice, of writing you?

So, sing the blues, like you do, killing through.

And the broken tale of loving you, it comes and goes like the dark.

So, stubborn ways, selling pays, freedom's free.

I'll, sing this song, very wrong, but right for me.

And the broken tale of loving you, it comes and goes like the rain.

And the weary tale, of hating you, is, wind, dark and rain.